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Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

Ponty Python Sketch – I still laugh out loud with this one.

This is for you Bob!  Was great to meet you at the weekend, hope you enjoyed the Stonehenge Tour.
 Trust you got back the the States OK 

Simon – Tour Guided
HISTOURIES UK – Stonehenge Tours

What has Europe ever done for us ?

A new fuuny addition

Simon – Tour Guided
HISTOURIES UK – Stonehenge Tours

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Ha Ha

English Heritage, working in conjunction with The National Trust, are fighting ‘tooth and nail’ to preserve the newly discovered ancient Henge found in Wiltshire, England.

English Heritage, working in conjunction with The National Trust, are fighting ‘tooth and nail’ to preserve the newly discovered ancient Henge found in Wiltshire, England.

Also located in Wiltshire is Stonehenge thought to have been erected in around 3000BC. Coincidently, Concrete Post Henge is only, a remarkable, fifty feet away from the former, just over a small hill. Chartered Surveyors were called to the scene immediately and were able to verify that the structure had been around since at least two days after The Big Bang. Primitive drill bit markings and circular saw striations were, apparently, the most obvious clues in the age determining process.

“I can’t believe we didn’t spot it before; it was right under our noses. The significance of this find cannot be underestimated. I’ve seen a few henges in my time, nobody knows what the heck a henge is yet, but I know this is a good one.”

National Trust stalwart Walter Ernest made only one comment to The Spoof:

“It’s a sad day here for us in Wiltshire. I’ve put my life, heart and soul into promoting ‘old stoney’ as the nation’s oldest treasure, since my divorce it’s been like a friend to me. No doubt some young bucks will get the job of looking after the new find and I’ll probably have to go back to a career
in druid stone circles now…”

Now that was funny! The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Nicholas – Tour Guide
Histouries UK – Stonehenge Tours
This was from the Spoof website.
.

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I  just had to add this web link. This very funny sketch by the comedian Eddie Izzard about Stonehenge is sure to put a smile on your face.

Nicholas – Tour Guide
Histouries UK – Stonehenge Tours

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AROUND 300 pagan worshippers braved freezing temperatures to celebrate the winter solstice at Stonehenge, but turned up on the wrong day.

Dressed in traditional robes, they met at the stone circle on Monday to mark the rising of the sun on the shortest day of the year, but got their calculations wrong.

The winter solstice occurs when the tilt of the Earth’s axis is at its furthest from the Sun, resulting in the fewest hours of sunlight of the year.

Although it normally falls on December 21, the exact time of the solstice varies each year and this year the solstice was 5.47pm on Monday so, because the sun had already set, the official celebrations took place at sunrise on Tuesday.

But the hundreds of enthusiastic worshippers who turned up a day early went ahead and celebrated anyway.

English Heritage, which manages the site, decided to open the gates and welcome them even though it was the wrong day.

Hundreds more pagans and druids turned up on Tuesday morning for the official winter solstice celebrations.

I found this very funny!

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Solstice Celebrations

Solstice Celebrations

Salisbury Plain, Wilts – (Ass Mess): Druids, vegans and assorted goths are to be excluded from Summer solstice commemoration ceremonies at Stonehenge this year after locals branded them a pest to wildlife who habitually dump excessive tonnes of toxic human waste into the surrounding ecosystem.

“Each year we have to put up with acres of foreign lentils sprouting up in the fields surrounding this ancient monument after these hippies crap all over our pastureland,” local Soil Association representatives have told the press.

“Mostly they are organic free-trade Peruvian-origin virulent strains that defy digestion and germinate in the lower gut before acts of nature deposit them in the ancient Wiltshire countryside.

“For the last five years we have had to spend over ten million pounds on heavy duty industrial crop busting machinery to uproot these foreign lentil varieties which spread like wildfire across the county.”

Despite Ministry of Agriculture measures to contain the outbreaks the invasive legumes keep sprouting and often affect indigenous wildlife nesting in the myriad hedgerows of the nearby countryside.

“We’ve tried asking the solstice visitors to amend their diets before and during their annual pilgrimages to our country’s most ancient monument, but do they listen?

“Even installing bio-degradeable lavatory facilities at vast cost to the taxpayer is a futile act because many of these vegan and Druid chappies only void in the open, under moonlight and according to their spiritual beliefs.

“Most of them appear to prefer soiling themselves than using one of our portable hygenic chemical toilet facilities,” local health official reported.

A five mile exclusion zone has cordoned off the Stonehenge monument today in anticipation of an early influx of the annual travellers whose convoys have already been spotted on the nearby local bypass armed with their trademark teepees, wigwams and calor gas fry-up equipment.

The sun’s annual ingress into the sign of Cancer takes place on Thursday evening this week.

You have been warned.

I did promise a few laughs on this blog – it can’t all be serious. Ha ha…………..

Nicholas – Tour Guide
Histouries UK – Stonehenge Tours

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Doctor Who - Stonehenge location

On Tuesday night, February 2, Wiltshire’s ancient stone monument was taken over by a film crew…..filming season five of BBC 1’s Doctor Who.

Exclusive leak….
Turns out that when the moon lies above the stone circle and the sun is on the opposite side of the earth, the stone circle acts as a gateway to a parallel time and place. Standing in the centre of the circle can allow one to be at one with the entire universe but unfortunately induces runaway ageing and exposure to other more evil personalities bent upon conquest. Dr Who finds himself imprisoned within the stone circle of an advanced extra-galactic civilisation and is held as a hostage until dastardly demands are met. The clock is running and the Doctor is rapidly ageing towards infancy. A twist in the tale is the entity that is allowed into the modern Human world when the stone circle is activated. Sadly, the choices are harsh…..either allow the proposed McDonalds drive-through planned for the Avenue, the bowling alley, the souvenir shop and the vast visitor facilities or, the Doctor will be wearing nappies for the remainder of this series and the evil personality (a hybrid mutation of David Icke and Schliemann) will win executive control of English Heritage.

Doctor Who at Stonehenge
Despite it being a closed set…
Local fans, braved the rain hoping to catch a glimpse of the action: “I’ve been a fan of Doctor Who since I was five, that’s 35 years now, and this has been the first chance I’ve had to see it being filmed.”

…plus returning professor River Song (Alex Kingston) have all been spotted on set – along with a brazier or two – the rumour is that the latest episodes including The Eleventh Hour, The Beast Below and Victory of the Daleks will all be set ‘some time in the past’.

With early filming reports claiming that the Doctor aka Matt Smith along with his sexy assistant Amy Pond played by Karen Gillan…

Pat – Tour Guide
Histouries UK – Stonehenge Tours

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A classic! Originally broadcast on 12 January 1969 this pre-Monty Python series was written by and starred Michael Palin and Terry Jones. This clip is part 1 of the first episode (unfortunately some of  is missing)

Peter – Tour Guide
Histouries UK – Stonehenge Tours

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